i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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