My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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