Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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