I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
