I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
