I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
why do cheetos always look like penises
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
