Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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