I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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