I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
