his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
