I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
