i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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