pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
