I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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