im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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