Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
