just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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