Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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