I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
