Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
