She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
