You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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