apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
