just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
