zippers are such a cool invention
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
