Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
