last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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