I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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