I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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