Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
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I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
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Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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