I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
