Are we in a gay sports bar?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
