I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
