I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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