Rock
Scissors
Fuck
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
