Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
