I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
