I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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