Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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