dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
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He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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