A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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