I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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