At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
