You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
