i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
