Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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