i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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