my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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