i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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