You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Randomize
