i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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