someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
