dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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